Deleted
Registered: Nov 28, 2024 6:23:06 GMT -7
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Post by Deleted on Dec 9, 2015 13:16:37 GMT -7
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Post by CoyoteCrunch on Dec 9, 2015 14:31:48 GMT -7
Truth!!!
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Post by jmccann630 on Dec 10, 2015 9:10:14 GMT -7
How To Get Hired At Walmart. This Man's Interview Is Priceless. A manager at Wal-Mart had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job. The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, the interviewer asked, 'What is the fastest thing you know of?' The first man replied, 'A THOUGHT.' It just pops into your head. There's no warning. 'That's very good!' replied the interviewer. 'And, now you sir?', he asked the second man. 'Hmmm...let me see 'A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of.' 'Excellent!' said the interviewer. 'The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliche for speed.' He then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply. 'Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. 'Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of'. The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. 'It's hard to beat the speed of light,' he said. Turning to BUBBA, the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same question. Old Bubba replied, 'After hearing the previous three answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA.' 'WHAT!?' said the interviewer, stunned by the response. 'Oh sure', said BUBBA. 'You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already pooped my pants.' BUBBA is now the new greeter at a Wal-Mart near you! Thats a good one D!  |
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Post by Big D on Dec 11, 2015 20:38:19 GMT -7
 Got my gun permit yesterday, then went over to the local gun shop to get a small 9mm for home protection. When I was ready to pay by credit card for the gun and bullets, the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me." Making a mental note to complain to the NRA about the gun control wackos running amok, I did as she had instructed. When the hysterical shrieking and alarms subsided, I found out she was referring to how I should place my credit card in the card reader. I've been asked to shop elsewhere in the future. They need to make their instructions to seniors a little clearer. |
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Post by CoyoteCrunch on Dec 12, 2015 20:04:52 GMT -7
LOL - nice!!
running-around-smiley-emoticon
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Post by Big D on Dec 15, 2015 23:27:11 GMT -7
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Post by CoyoteCrunch on Dec 16, 2015 6:27:57 GMT -7
Nice!!! running-around-smiley-emoticon
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Post by CoyoteCrunch on Dec 16, 2015 9:39:08 GMT -7
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Post by CoyoteCrunch on Dec 21, 2015 14:01:46 GMT -7
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Post by CoyoteCrunch on Dec 21, 2015 14:04:29 GMT -7
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Dec 21, 2015 14:20:02 GMT -7
LOVE THAT SNOWMAN ONE...
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Post by jmccann630 on Dec 21, 2015 20:08:27 GMT -7
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Dec 25, 2015 2:59:55 GMT -7
An acute sense ...
A young man moved out from home and into a new apartment, all of his own. He went proudly down to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.
While there, a stunning young blonde lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing only a robe.
The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with Him.
As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.
After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, 'Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming.'
He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.
Now nude, she purred at him, 'What would you say is my best feature?'
Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, 'It's got to be your ears.'
Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, 'My ears?!?!?'
'Look at these breasts; they are a full 39 inches and 100% natural.
I work out every day and my ass is firm and solid.
I have a 28 inch waist.
Look at my skin - not a blemish anywhere.
How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?'
Clearing his throat, he stammered ....
'Outside,... when you said you......heard someone coming.....that was me...
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Post by stitchdup on Dec 25, 2015 4:06:21 GMT -7
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62pyro
Full Member
Registered: Oct 18, 2013 18:02:45 GMT -7
Posts: 165 
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Post by 62pyro on Dec 25, 2015 8:07:12 GMT -7
Now that's funny right there.
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Post by Big D on Dec 25, 2015 9:37:15 GMT -7
high-five-smiley-emoticon
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Post by CoyoteCrunch on Dec 25, 2015 10:21:28 GMT -7
oh my god!!!!!! running-around-smiley-emoticon running-around-smiley-emoticon dramatic-death |
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Post by CoyoteCrunch on Dec 27, 2015 12:14:00 GMT -7
Sorry JB - but I couldn't resist this one - was just too damn funny!  |
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Post by stitchdup on Dec 27, 2015 12:25:38 GMT -7
running-around-smiley-emoticon
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Dec 27, 2015 12:40:37 GMT -7
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Post by Big D on Dec 27, 2015 12:59:13 GMT -7
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Post by Deleted on Dec 27, 2015 14:16:56 GMT -7
dramatic-death
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Dec 29, 2015 0:27:42 GMT -7
A paraprosdokian sentence consists of two parts where the first is a figure of speech and the second an intriguing variation of the first. They're used typically for humorous or dramatic effect. Enjoy these!
Never argue with an idiot. He'll drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.
We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand at the edge of a pool and throw fish.
I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
Women will never be equal to men till they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut and still think they're sexy.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
You don't need a parachute to skydive, but you do need one to skydive again.
The voices in my head may be fake, but they have good ideas!
Hospitality is making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.
I scream the same way whether I'm about to be eaten by a shark or seaweed touches my foot.
Some cause happiness wherever they go, others whenever they go.
There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.
You're never too old to learn something stupid.
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Post by Big D on Dec 29, 2015 1:07:56 GMT -7
These are all good. two-thumbs-up-smiley-emoticon
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Post by CoyoteCrunch on Dec 29, 2015 12:29:40 GMT -7
Some VERY true quotes here my friend!!
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Post by jmccann630 on Dec 29, 2015 18:50:56 GMT -7
Hope this doesn't offend anyone  |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Dec 29, 2015 18:58:38 GMT -7
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Post by Big D on Dec 29, 2015 20:42:24 GMT -7
OOOOHHHH MAN!!! |
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Post by Deleted on Dec 29, 2015 20:45:34 GMT -7
VERY FUNNY.... running-around-smiley-emoticon
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Dec 29, 2015 20:59:39 GMT -7
Something to look forward too.....
An elderly gentleman... .
Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor
and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that
allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor
said, 'Your hearing is perfect.. Your family must be really pleased that
you can hear again.'
The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.
I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will
three times!'
________________________________
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench
under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years
old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age.
How do you feel?'
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'
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