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Post by Deleted on Mar 8, 2015 10:40:27 GMT -7
running-around-smiley-emoticon
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Post by Deleted on Mar 8, 2015 11:19:19 GMT -7
BRILLIANT!
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Post by Deleted on Mar 8, 2015 21:54:32 GMT -7
An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, 'Seven Points.'
His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?' The old man replied, 'its fart football.'
A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, 'Touchdown, tie score...'
After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, 'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.'
Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, 'Touchdown, tie score.'
Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, 'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on for the old man.
He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.
Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally poops in the bed.
The wife says, 'What the hell was that?'
The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides
If you don't laugh At this one, then you've got a terrible sense of humor !!!!!!!!
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Post by Deleted on Mar 8, 2015 22:17:09 GMT -7
That's an oldie but a goodie Frank, hope it was not from personal experience though.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 8, 2015 22:20:48 GMT -7
no siree!
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Post by Deleted on Mar 9, 2015 17:45:45 GMT -7
OMG.............
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Post by Deleted on Mar 9, 2015 17:53:13 GMT -7
I HOPE this isn't for "hair removal", or shes tryin' to tell you you got more then shrubbery, or your tellin' her the bush needs serious trimming....... but DAMN duct tape?!?!?! thats gonna leave marks and HURT!
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Post by Deleted on Mar 9, 2015 18:40:58 GMT -7
it's a reference the the SAW movies John. the creepy lookin dude there is a character from the franchise names jigsaw.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 9, 2015 23:26:53 GMT -7
-yep ya lost me. I live in a cave with no TV....... Better spending time at "the bench" to pass the time, gets more done!!!!!!
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Post by stitchdup on Mar 10, 2015 17:55:01 GMT -7
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Post by Deleted on Mar 10, 2015 22:43:13 GMT -7
true story
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Post by Deleted on Mar 10, 2015 23:43:25 GMT -7
-I'm just a "big" kid......... LOL running-around-smiley-emoticon
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Post by stitchdup on Mar 11, 2015 6:37:42 GMT -7
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Post by Big D on Mar 11, 2015 7:49:53 GMT -7
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Post by Deleted on Mar 11, 2015 11:41:37 GMT -7
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Post by jbailey on Mar 11, 2015 11:54:56 GMT -7
I don't get it lmao. It should say Chevy, you know they are like a rock.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 11, 2015 14:22:39 GMT -7
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Post by stitchdup on Mar 11, 2015 18:50:40 GMT -7
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Post by Big D on Mar 11, 2015 20:12:26 GMT -7
GOOD ONE STITCH!
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Post by Deleted on Mar 11, 2015 21:30:13 GMT -7
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Post by Deleted on Mar 11, 2015 21:33:56 GMT -7
NICE! Gotta say I'd take an "Elizabeth Taylor" then........
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Post by Deleted on Mar 12, 2015 2:16:25 GMT -7
Holy Commandments Of The Sacred Garage
1.The garage shall be forever kept as the sacred realm of the Man. No lacy curtains nor gingham privacy panels shall be allowed on the windows of the sacred garage.
2.The garage shall not be cleaned, except in cases of extreme need, such as when a pair of holy Vise-Grip locking pliers hath gone missing.
3.Sawdust, grease, and oil are the holy sacraments of the garage, and thus must never be disposed of in haste or with malice.
4.Honor thy rags.
5.Complaineth not when the Man's Friends cometh over to work on a four-wheel-drive vehicle on a Thursday night until 2:00 a.m. Be thee grateful that the Man and his Friends are not attending stimulating performances of voluptuous harlots at Shotgun Willies on this evening.
6.Thou shalt not remove the beer bottles from the front yard before work in the garage hath yet been completed. Yea, the front yard must be considered an extension of the garage when the garage door remaineth in an upright and horizontal position.
7.Honor the Man and his Friends at all times, even when one of these Friends dropeth a heavy steel truck wheel in the driveway at 12:30 a.m., awakening thyself and wrathful neighbors who calleth to complain.
8.Storeth not antique doll houses in the garage.
9.Thou shalt not ask the Man to bring in the groceries when you see that his hands are greasy, or that he is underneath a car working on the evil U-joint.
10.Adjust not the volume of music that playeth in the garage. Impose not your questionable music tastes on those who savor the druidic chant of Rage Against The Machine at 11 p.m.
11.Borroweth not the hammer of the Man which hangeth in position on the blessed pegboard. If thou breakest this commandment, at least have the courtesy to place the hammer back in correct position on the blessed pegboard. No, putting it on the workbench isn't good enough---how wouldst the man know to looketh there?
12.Tools of the garage shouldst remain in the garage at all times, excepting when the Man shall use them for home repair, in which case the sacred tools must remain wherever the Man leaves them, verily including even the kitchen counter and the upstairs hallway.
13.Leaveth not the tools of the Man on the back porch, lest they become rusty from rain.
14.Loaneth not the tools of the Man to your fishy work friends who hath not earned tools of their own.
15.Pulleth not your car into the garage whilst a repair doth transpire in the other bay. The space is needed for many great deliberations and ritual beer drinking. Considereth any snow removal that may be required from your vehicle the next morning as a small penance to pay in comparison to the bloody knuckles, hangover, and bodily suffering borne by the Man.
16.Closeth the trash can at all time, lest the stinking odor of cat poop foul the air.
17.Covet not the eleven Phillips head screwdrivers on the Man's pegboard, and cast not thy insults on the Man's need for additional screwdrivers in the future. Each screwdriver serves a unique, substitution-impossible purpose.
18.Thou shalt not remove the multitude of straightened, oddly-formed, spray-paint-encrusted coat hangers dangling from the garage ceiling. Resist the temptation to dispose of these humble tools, and your rewards shall include a freshly painted iron planter---as soon as the Man finishes working on his bike, car or four-wheel-drive vehicle, of course.
19.Maintaineth a minimum of six yo-yo's (retracting tape rulers), or findeth not one when needed.
20.A man's worth shall be measured by the number of cans of partially used spray paint on his shelves. However, the Man will never have the right color for the job at hand.
21.Obey the Flat Surface Rule. Always put down the tool you are using on the nearest flat surface. Then look for it elsewhere---stopeth for a beer when discouraged.
22.Respect the large piece of cardboard against the garage wall. The Man useth it to lay on when he is under the car. Touch it not, lest lightning strike thee dead.
23.I sayeth to you: No sweeter sound ever shall be heard than thy own air impact wrench in thy own garage.
24.Thou shalt love the smell of grease as thou loveth thyself.
25.Take not the name of GOJO Creme Formula hand cleaner in vain, especially in the fruity lemon scent.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 12, 2015 2:32:16 GMT -7
You need to do something about that LISP mate, you sound gay.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 12, 2015 2:55:42 GMT -7
oh my gawd! i was chuckling pretty good while i was reading John's post and then i got to Dale's...and snotted on my keyboard that's some funny doo-doo right there
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Post by Deleted on Mar 12, 2015 5:11:42 GMT -7
Not my lisp Dale. I copied and pasted that from another site... thought it was pretty funny myself.......... And then DAMN IT Frank, snottin everywhere......... LMAO I about spit coffee on my Computer monitor on that one...... thats CAFFEINE abuse! Aren't we an awful bunch? ?? high-five-smiley-emoticon
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Post by Deleted on Mar 12, 2015 5:15:31 GMT -7
My wife goes walkin by and says John WTH, you sound like Snaggle Puss....... I'm laughing but DAMN IT...........That damn snottin bit cracks me up...
Just about as bad as fartin in Wal-Mart!!!!!!!! - and it echo's.........
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Post by Big D on Mar 12, 2015 8:57:02 GMT -7
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Post by Deleted on Mar 12, 2015 9:18:45 GMT -7
laughonfloorechoing farts in walmart! try this one, go into a store with someone and once inside start to wander away from them a little. then when they're not lookin, run into a display like a blind man and say louldly "no(insert name of companion), don't leave me! you know i'm blind and can't see". then enjoy watching them turn beet red
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Post by Big D on Mar 12, 2015 13:11:55 GMT -7
My father was Master Chef at Churchill Downs where they run the Kentucky Derby so we did a lot of grocery shopping and I always had to push the cart. Many times we would be in a grocery store {of all places} and he would turn down a crowded aisle and wait until we were in the middle of the aisle and break wind and turn to me and say in a loud voice " Damn Dennis!" and walk away fast. You ever try to get through a crowded grocery aisle with a cart quick? Can't do it. So I would be stuck trying to get through the aroma and the people looking nasty at me and when I finally got through he would be in the next aisle cracking up.
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Post by stitchdup on Mar 12, 2015 13:41:33 GMT -7
rofl (but not the same floor I hope) lol
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